22 Things Plurk Has Taught Me About Friendship
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I have a new addiction. It’s called Plurk, and I think you should try it out too. All the cool kids are doing it, so I’m sure you don’t want to miss on all the fun. But these short two weeks or so on Plurk have already taught me something important about friendship.
I’m far from perfect in maintaining relationships, quite the contrary, and I know that Plurk doesn’t model real friendship one-to-one, but these lessons make so much sense that I wanted to share them with you and have a discussion about all the different forms of friendship.
So, friends, let me know what you think!
Here’s the list. If you want to see how good or bad I am at implementing it, be my Plurk friend, and let’s try some friendship in practice.
- Say yes when someone wants to be your friend. It makes life more interesting as you get to know more people. Don’t worry too much about whether you have similar interests or not - if you don’t you’ll just stop talking, and that’s it. Or in an even better case you can learn from each other and gain all new interests.
- A short note is better than a deeper one that never got sent. Spend the time you have and don’t worry if you can’t be available all the time. Remember that it’s better to send a quick note than no note at all (Sorry, James, I have fallen into this trap when trying to send you a well thought out e-mail rather than just saying hi!)
- The friends of your friend are great people too. Say hi to them, and you will have some new friends. You will also learn to know your friend better.
- People are nice to you when you are nice to them. No bullies needed. Or spammers. Just real people.
- Everyone loves a kind word every now and then. It doesn’t cost anything, but makes both you and your friend feel great. So, why save the positive for later?
- It’s the small things that matter. When you know that your friend goes out for a walk with his wife every night, your relationship already gets much closer than when you only reading his blog posts.
- Spend time with your friends so that you don’t fall behind. There is so much happening to your friends all the time that it’s a good idea to keep in touch. This is where I’m at my lousiest, but maybe with the help of Plurk, I’m learning my lesson.
- Don’t try too hard. Just be yourself. Anything else will make your life much harder, and leave your friends unaware of the real you. Be who you are, and if they still want to be your friends, lucky you!
- Say good morning. It’s the small things that matter. You don’t always have to come up with interesting discussions - people love to talk about the small things, such as what you are having for breakfast or what you are expecting from your day.
- Introduce yourself. Say hi to a stranger. Quite likely you’ll get a hi back. This is much easier online than in real life, but a good idea in both.
- Ask the question that is on your mind. People might ignore it - but even then, they won’t ignore you. Your next question might get the discussion going.
- Listen more. If your plurk / response ratio is higher than one, you’re doing something wrong. When you listen to your friends and talk about the things they want to talk about, you will not only get to learn them better, but they will also be more interested in talking about the things on your mind.
- You can help your friends make more friends. And that will make you all the more popular in their eyes. After all, people love the guy who is willing to help them out.
- Hanging out with people is fun. It takes time, it’s risky, it’s sometimes hard. But the reward you get from knowing that you are not alone in this world is well worth it.
I also asked my Plurk friends for some more ideas, and here’s what they answered:
- kevyn says “too much crap and people will not befriend you”
- Lulz thinks “plurk is more like chatting in a pub as it is friendship.friendship may be build,but plurk is too restricted to do it alone.
- AdamDesAutels says “I have found it to be very beneficial. I have met a lot of great people, which has resulted in phone calls, emails, and actual meet ups.”
- finucane says that there are a whole lot of interesting people out there to meet.
- 54degrees agrees with Lulz. These are all pub-friendships here which end after you leave the building but can work out as a real friendship.
- Lulz nods, as Adam says: Plurk may result in other communication,that probably will extend the relationship
- Lore uses plurk to continue friendships, she made in other places and to meet some new people who might become friends.
- Dren says “true rl friends will follow you even in Plurkoland! That being said, it makes me reconsider some old friendships ;)”
Now, I’m off to send some love to all my friends. The ones from Plurk, the ones from blogging, and the ones I know from the offline world! I suggest you do the same!
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June 20th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Don’t be sad if people aren’t answering your plurks, it normally just means that your people aren’t online the same time as you. If you can’t start a conversation of your own, join someone elses. You’ll make more friends there, that will join in yours later! Feel free to add me too… feel the love!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
haha .. I am flattered.
Now I have to find new things to do to spice up my relationship with .. wife. :-)
Twitter is great. However I get to know some great people on Plurk. Although, I tend to stay away from Plurk, but Plurk has became my second thing to check after E-Mail every morning.
Terence Chang’s last blog post: Weekend Confession 10 - moving on
June 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Oh wow! Now I’m famous and I’m not even a blogger! :)
Jarkko, I’d never thought that a time will come when I’ll thank somebody for an addiction, but… THANK YOU!
For two of them!
The first one is the blogosphere. It was your open, positive and inviting way of communicating in your posts that made me ’stay’. And it was here, in the University of Insanely Interested, where I learned about many other amazing people who are unselfishly sharing priceless ideas and thoughts with others, inspiring and changing lives. ‘Thank you’ here seem as so inappropriately minute words.
And, of course, :) the addiction of Plurkland. It has incredible wibes, has it not?! :) So simple as an idea, but so amazing!
Well I guess, I really AM “lucky. very very lucky! hoo-ah!” ;)
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
All of those 14 things work amazingly in the face to face world too, but unfortunately people tend to be less social outside the net.
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
@Lynoure
I for sure agree with you on that. But what do you think is the difference in socializing in the RL and on the net? Why are people more (or maybe less?) open/sincere(?)/approachable/communicative on the net?
I’ve observed the following pattern with me:
With really close friends, I’ve discovered that I simply cannot ’socialize’ on-line. I cannot explain exactly why is it like that, but I guess I see that way of communicating as an insult to the quality and profundity of our relationship, the ‘real’ moments we’ve shared and all the things we’ve been through together.
Whereas, on the other hand, I have met quite some people on the net that I made good friends with in RL as well. And I am more than certain that the probability of befriending those people and meeting them in a different occasion was rather low.
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Nice list Jarkko and thanks for the link.
Bill Stevens’s last blog post: Are You Plurking Kidding Me?
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
@Dren
I think most people are more active in approaching online because the pseudo-anonymity makes them feel they are less likely to get judged.
Also, as one cannot see the faces or hear the voices (in most online services), there is more room for imagination. That means we feel we get what we expect: friendly approaching people feel they meet friendly approachable people, but on the other hand paranoid angry people meet people worth their angry reactions (or so they feel).
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:41 pm
@Lynoure
Great point and well said Lynoure.
So with all that faking and make-believing, my questions still are: aren’t the online communities and the online networking a major waste of time? Does it make people involved in it insecure cowards that would rather live in a fairy-tale instead of facing the world?
Where are the limits and where is it leading?
What does it mean to you (to all of you reading this) the time spent ‘befriending’ online?
I’m just interested in other people’s opinions, for I’m still trying to figure out my regards towards this mass phenomenon…
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:31 am
Wow, lots of great discussion going on over here!
@jameswilliams90: Good point! There is so much going on all the time - just like in a pub (that was one of the comments about the relation between plurk and friendship) that people miss you easily.
The same thing happens offline too, and somehow then it feels more offensive. But I’ve been learning that it’s the same thing there as well: if your comment is ignored, it’s probably just because they were distracted by something else and didn’t hear it. If it’s important, repeat, otherwise even ignoring the whole thing is a good option.
@Terence: Hehe, walks are great :)
@Dren: You’re welcome! I’m happy to have introduced you to these addictions because it makes them even more interesting for me too.
@Lynoure: Those points make a lot of sense.
I think one more point that makes it easy to socialize online is the fact that you have an escape route. If you don’t have anything to say, you don’t have the acquard situation where you are trying to come up with something to say. You just shut up and do something else until you have something to talk about.
But that’s not always a good thing. Sometimes it also makes it way too easy to forget about the other person, and then you shut up for too long and get into this endless loop of avoidance.
Still, I guess the one big question that raises from your thoughts is whether you think people are faking online or are they in fact acting more like their true selves?
@Dren: I think the answer lies within the question about what’s the real you.
Yes, I agree that this online world can’t be your only social network. It’s just too abstract for that, as all we have for expressing our feelings are words - and emoticons.
But on the other hand, I still believe that there are real people behind the words. And when you don’t have to worry about anything else than the words, you might get closer to the other person more quickly. In this way, you can get to know people online - but then, I don’t think something like Plurk will alone make it into a real friendship.
E-mail is already something more, so is one-to-one chatting, and when you see face to face, that’s the ultimate test for whether you can also be friends outside of the web too or not. And it’s no simple test, from my experience. But then again, life (and relationships between people) is never simple.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Now I have to find new things to do to spice up my relationship with my wife.